G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a Brilliant Absurdist Masterpiece

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a Brilliant Absurdist Masterpiece

This past week I subjected myself, in a weak moment, to an io9 article:

10 Bad Movies (That Could Have Been Good With Just One Change)

This time I think I made it out okay. Most of these I agree with – first time I’ve seen someone else recommend the ending to A.I. I always talked about with friends. “We’re in a cage.” bang, done, roll credits. Daredevil, I Am Legend, Superman 2: yes, those would have been better films with those changes.

SIDE NOTE: Remind me at some point to list the other two Spielberg movies that would have been dramatically better with the rumored original ending.

But number two on the list is a problem. I’m sorry, Charlie, did you just recommend cutting the best part of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra?

What they should have done was focus the movie exclusively on that relationship. That relationship is so insanely, phenomenally preposterous that it makes G.I. Joe the best movie ever made.

Maybe you have not seen the light? Perhaps you still believe what you have been told by your dodgeball teammates – that this movie ‘ruined your childhood’ and was ‘totally stupid’? Perhaps it will make more sense if I break it down:

  • Before the events of the film, Duke is a Ranger or something – so, special forces, but not that special. He’s a MILITARY GRUNT.
  • His fiance, i.e. an ARMY WIFE, and Duke are at a FANCY BLACK TIE BALL IN WASHINGTON D.C. Think about any ARMY RANGERS you know, and imagine them at a fancy political function. You may not know any Army Rangers. I know several. I do not picture them fitting in at a FANCY BLACK TIE BALL.
  • At this FANCY BALL, the ARMY WIFE, makes the EXPERIENCED SOLDIER promise that NOTHING BAD WILL HAPPEN to her civilian brother IN A WAR ZONE.
  • Duke looks her square in the eye and MAKES THIS PROMISE.
  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt immediately runs into a building that EXPLODES.
  • Duke is STRICKEN WITH GRIEF. He is so STRICKEN WITH GRIEF that he RIDES A MOTORCYCLE TO THE FUNERAL and WATCHES FROM AFAR. It is RAINING.
  • Duke’s ARMY WIFE is SO MAD that he broke an IMPOSSIBLE PROMISE that she BECOMES A SUPERVILLAIN.
  • THERE IS A HUGE SUBMARINE FIGHT.
  • Joseph Gorden-Levitt BECOMES COBRA COMMANDER.

fin

Maybe you’re someone who forgot that G.I. Joe LOOKED LIKE THIS. In that world, this is exactly the drama military families would deal with. It’s PERFECT. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is the best movie ever made. I want to watch it again right now.

What they SHOULD cut from The Rise of Cobra is that ridiculous reveal that Baroness is being brainwashed. It ruins the best part of the movie, because then the above timeline has a hand-wave explanation that explains Baroness’ actions away.

You know I’m right.
photo credit: Anna Fischer via photopin cc